he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
