You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
