a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
