We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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