For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
