I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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