Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
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I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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