Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
