shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
