I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
