Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
