i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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