I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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