I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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