Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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