I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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