I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Watching her eat just hurts me
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
