I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
