OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
ugly people sure do ruin things
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
