i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
