Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
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All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
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Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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