I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
