All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
