Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
