Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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