if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Randomize
