And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
