whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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