Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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