So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
