Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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