yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
