I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
