i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
