I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
