think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
