Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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