i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
