the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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