The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
