Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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