I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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