Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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