im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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