If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
