why didn't you poke me back
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
