Just fell off a train. Bad.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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