My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
