I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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