Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
