Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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