The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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