remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
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