96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
