Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
