i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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