I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Buhtt sex?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
